New Stage

I cannot help but keep referring to this week and the beginning of 2009 as a new stage in my life. I can only guess it is bc of

job + 2 kids= how the hell do I tackle it?!

I don't fear that I won't be able to tackle it. I have alot of confidence in myself as a mother (yes, there are days I want to pull my hair out!). Giving birth really has made me feel like Superwoman.

It is the HOW and HOW SOON it will all fall into place?! I hate change! I have had such a nice thing going the past few months, not only for myself and my happiness but with the boys, too. I am not one to handle disorganization and the unknown very well. I like my routines and schedules, I like the house in a certain order, I prefer my kids to act a certain way (respectful, courteous yet, grow into their own beings as God has intended). I worry, worry, worry. But, believe me, if you have known me for over 5 yrs you KNOW I am not as bad as I used to be (therapy will do that to ya). I am without a doubt more flexible and acceptable of what is often out of my control. I chuck it up to good old fashioned "everything happens for a reason".

So, when I HAD to get up and go to work on Monday morning I tackled it with the deep understanding and acceptance that this is what I HAVE to do for my family. To give them all the things they deserve in life. But, just bc I woke up confident doesn't mean I didn't worry all day. I do get concerned my 60 + yr old mother-in-law will be overwhelmed with 2. I want her to be okay and also be okay enough to tell us when it is too much for her to handle. I want that honesty. I don't ever want to burden anyone in my life.

I also worry that others won't do it MY WAY. I can't help it sometimes.

(I'll just place that one into the 'deep issues file' I still have to remind myself to 'manage')

But my big boy made me proud. So far, after 3 days he has set some of my worry aside without me even realizing it til my drive home today. I did not cry like I thought I would on Monday. I did get a soft heart when Triston asked me right before I walked out, "Mom, I go to work, too? May I go with you?" I told him not today. He then said, "Triston can't go to work. I am too small. Grayson and Bryley too small, too. Only mommy and daddy can go." I then left feeling okay. I think that was bc it was still fresh. I was getting the chance to see old faces and see my students. At least that is what I told myself in the car.

Then on Tuesday T was asleep when I left for work so I called to see if he had woken up by 8am. Charito answered the phone and all he had to mention was "rough morning" as I heard Triston crying in the background. I got on the phone and he said all muffled like, "Mommy, I go to work, too? Please?" I told him I would take him to my school soon so we could visit Linda (my classroom assistant whom he adores). He was ok with that idea and told me he loved me. THAT was hard! Hard to hang up the phone. I even listened to the dialtone for a bit in order to hold back the tears in my classroom and pull myself together.

Charito later told me that as soon as Triston woke up that Tuesday morning he went downstairs to look for me and when he noticed my car gone that is when the tears and whining began. That made me feel both needed and sad for him! I also felt a bit of relief...

I wasn't the only one missing someone!

As for Grayson, he is just figuring out a new schedule. Eating earlier in the morning now bc he hears us getting ready. Poor guy used to sleep til 8 or 9 am and now is getting up at 6/6:30 am screaming to eat! As each day goes by he naps a little better for Lula. But boy do I look forward to his huge grin when I walk in the door! All I have to say is, "Hello, my Sushi!" and his starry eyes light up and that grin explodes into pure and innocent joy!

It's all I need to forget the first part of my day!

(yes, I say first part of my day bc well, it just doesn't end!)

Now I struggle with fitting it all in! I used to have plenty of time for play, reading books, Geotrax, puzzles, G's 'jungle' as T calls it (floor gym mat), tummytime, cuddling up to a Disney movie, etc. But now before I know it it is time to get dinner started and Triston is passing out at the dinner table! This is bc I have avoided giving him a nap bc I just cannot take my chances THIS week with any 10pm-12 am bedtime. If he goes down for a nap he is out for 2-4 hours (believe it is tempting bc I so miss our naps! I want one so desperately by 3 pm). But, is it fair to wake him from a nap? Not really. And there is no guarantee that even with an hour long nap that it wasn't just enough to power him up again and lead up to a late bedtime!

Although T's early sleep is convenient, it does take away from quality time (especially for Charito who is just walking in the door. I feel so bad for daddy!). I find myself at 9pm missing him! I mean, this week T has been in bed before or by 7:30 and G by 8:00! I finally know what other parents evenings are like (T has not always been the best at getting to bed but once he fell asleep he slept well through the nite since about 4 mos. G on the other hand has been a sleep ANGEL from the start!). The same parents that probably rolled their eyes at me behind my back when I told them my toddler/preschooler doesn't go to bed til 9 or later (yeah, you know who you are)! What they don't know is that Charito and I are night owls (okay, not me this week bc I have literally been exhausted and passing out before 10).

It didn't really bother us most of the time. It just took time for us to accept it (and give up on the 2 yr old battles-life was so much easier when we did).

But, yes, it is safe to say that I know I have made the right decision in going back to work (even though it may not have seemed like my doing-Charito is the financial master in this household afterall, and he does a damn fine job at it! I love you moneybags! I trust you!) .

I want T and G to have what is REASONABLY within their grasp and what we can REASONABLY provide them.

And here is where the reflection comes in...

This week was full of plenty of thoughts and discoveries:

• It was only five days that felt like a month.
• I am strong enough to do this.
• My Triston is a mature lil' man that even worries about me! So compassionate!
• I AM doing a good job with them (I worry that somehow my absence will erase what I have taught and embedded in them).
• Some people at work REALLY missed me and NEEDED me back. Kids included.
• Others STILL give me chills up my spine.
• It was easier than I thought to get into the swing of things in class. It was like autopilot! That really shocked me!
• Even though Grayson can't tell me he missed me I KNOW it when he smiles and produces that oh so quiet, adorable laugh.
• Charito believes in me ( I never doubt this) and is proud of me getting through the first week as well as I did. I really needed to hear that from him! Thx, babe!
• My mother-in-law was fine (I just have to remind myself that the day may not go my way but the kids are cared for, fed and LOVED. I think Charito was right when he observed that it is the kids that keep her going).
• and most importantly, I HAVE oodles of people in my life that will be there for me in a split when I do have troubles with the "stage".
• Also, I have more energy (at least until "crash time") than I thought I would. The boys somehow whisk theirs into my body as I enter the threshold of our domain (at least I'd like to think so).

So, as it is now Friday, I can admit that it probably won't be so bad on Monday. I haven't looked forward to a weekend like this in awhile (and we aren't even doing anything special-I am just rewarding myself with a massage and hair aptmt with Amy on Saturday). Otherwise, I just plan on spending time with my 3 guys. I even got the preschool report cards done today and plan to pinch the IEP ones early next week. That is way ahead of my typical procrastination style! I do want to go to Target with Triston. I miss our outings. He has always been the best buddy to shop with. I haven't attempted any outings afterschool this week due to trying to make some sense of a schedule for the boys and the weather.

I will not lie...it has been a challenge, but one I have dealt with so far. That is not to say there will not be horrendous days ahead. I know there will be!

But I will deal with it all ONE DAY AT A TIME (as Linda reminds me of often-she truly is my guardian angel).

That is all I can do for the moment.

Besides, look what I get to come home to!

How can anyone NOT laugh right along with those GRINS?!
Contagious I tell ya!

i love my MY FISH!