Change

Ask anyone and they will tell you that I know practically nothing about politics. In the past I have asked my parents who to vote for. NOT this year. I knew Barack is what I wanted. I know I did not understand it all so well but I saw the hope in his eyes that many of us are aching for. I will admit that it was not til he was elected that I started REALLY paying attention to the mess our country is in. The mess that I have heard so many colleagues and friends refer to and I stood quiet over. I really did not know it all! But this man, Barack has even changed my thoughts. There is something about him that makes me WANT to know what I never cared to pay attention to in the past. I watch clips of his big day, our country's big day, my big change day and I cry. I cry for my ignorance and my hope that what I am just beginning to understand will improve for all of us. I do know that having kids of my own has assisted this change. Watching Barack with his kids moves me. A family in the White House. How amazing! How excited those girls must be and even cautious, too. Anxious of what the next 4 yrs holds for their whole family. Funny, the same questions I ponder about my own family. I guess that is why it is so easy to believe in and smile right along with Barack. I even keep referring to him as Barack, not Obama. His first name, as if I had drinks with the guy! But that only proves how comfortable I am with our country's decision to move forward in this day in history. I am just in awe. Pretty cool for someone who FORMERLY didn't care much about this politics stuff!

Get it right, mom!

1:15 pm

Triston: "Hey, mom! What you doing?"

Mom: "Folding clothes."

T: "Nooooo!"

M: "No. Why not?"

T: "You folding laundry. Laundry, mom!"

I kinda forgot I don't always have to "dumb" things down for him...my bad!

Thank you Mr. Magoo

Dear Triston,
Thank you for going to bed early, again! Why? Because for the third day in a row mommy has barely been able to keep her eyes open at work. May I remind you that this whole not giving you a nap ALSO means I do not get a nap. A nap that the three of us enjoyed for hours on end for 3 whole months. Can you tell mommy misses her naps?! Thank goodness when I get home the two of you jolt me awake and keep me going til dinnertime. But, really thank you for being a good boy and helping mommy out with our family schedule adjustment (which seems neverending at this point!).
Love you and good nite nites for good boys,
Mommy
The time is 7:45 pm and I am off to bed! Two more weekdays and then a 3 day weekend!

The FIRST of many FIRSTS...

My baby boy seems to be in fast forward motion...I mean Grayson this time (yes, T will also always be my baby boy). He just seemed ready for rice cereal this past weekend so we went for it! Later in the evening Charito admitted he questioned my decision to do so because he just wasn't ready for this step from our littlest. I knew what he meant. It was hard for me, too. But for some reason I noticed he is getting hungrier and still insists on eating every 3 hours. That really hasn't changed much since November, so I figured this may help.

It was quite funny to see how G reacted to this new introduction. He played around like it was a game. He just kept smiling and laughing his quiet little laugh. But, I figured regardless of how much actually gets down to that buddha belly of his at least he is being introduced to the "spoon to mouth" idea. He seems to enjoy it! Eventually when he starts openin' up that big ol' piehole of his and chompin' down some more I will thicken it up. But for now it is all just entertaining and filling him up bit by bit!

Oh, and do you think I spend too much time on the computer when Triston goes upstairs, gets his OWN laptop and sets it next to me at the dining room table? AND then says, "I be like mommy and check mail, too!" as he chooses an alphabet game to play on his! I didn't know whether to feel touched that he wanted to be like me or guilty!

Randoms

So yesterday was MOMMY'S DAY OUT. Have not done it in a long time so it is was perfectly timed with the completion of my first week back to work! Well, although daddy got stuck with an "off day" from the boys (a really off day! Grayson was very irritable. I think the week of schedule chaos wreaked havoc on this day of choice. Daddy's patience was very thin! A lesson he is working hard on, right honey?) there were some funny moments I missed. Here is one:

Apparently Triston has adopted his own "Newspaper". When it was time for bed Triston asked if we could read his "Newspaper". I said sure, not even making the connection that it WAS NOT Sunday. He then brings me the, wait for it.......The Victoria Secret's catalog I recently received in the mail! Okay, then! Charito then informed me that yes, he has deemed this his "Newspaper". Charito continued to tell me that while T turned through it and would come across a sexy/serious/you know the kind facial expression he would ask Charito, "What wrong with her, daddy? She is sad." I can only imagine how hard it was for daddy to keep a straight face througout all this "newspaper" talk.

While he and I read it he would evaluate where he thought the girl was name a place! According to T one "sad" girl was in Mexico and another in Paris. This was too funny to even be a bedtime story!

You be the judge...does this girl look "sad" to you? Because seductive is the only thing that comes to my mind!Here is my next thought: When Triston is 13 yrs old and in his room ALONE and I ask him what he is doing and Iget a response like this, "Nothing, Mom. Just reading the newspaper!" do I have to stop and ask myself WHICH "newspaper"? I mean, I have blogged in the past about "his playful buddy downstairs" ya know?! AHH, boys!

Equally loveable, yet so different!

It is hard NOT to compare Triston and Grayson to each other, especially at this age when I have to think really hard to remember this stage of development in Triston. Triston just turned 3 yrs old weeks ago and Grayson will be 3 mos old tomorrow. I thought Triston was advanced at this age...wow has Grayson thrown me for a loop! Amazing! This kid's head control is brilliant! He sat in his high chair for the first time last weekend. It is as if his trunk control can't keep up. Triston wasn't in the high chair til 5-6 mos. Now, part of that is that whole "first time mama don't want to do it all wrong, gotta do it by the book, or talk to doctor first" bit. Heck, I know better nowadays! I see what G is ready for and I go for it!

For example, I am picking up Rice Cereal in the morning for Grayson. He is so ready! And I notice he is hungrier later in the day and I am NOT going to bump it up from 5 to 6 oz bottles. The doc gave me a funky look when I told him in Dec. that he was pounding 5 ouncers! Triston wasn't drinking 5 oz botles til 5 mos old and cereal at close to 5 mos and fruits n veggies at 6 mos (again that first time mommy fear, even though I thought he was ready I was afraid to start them til I had his 6 mos apmt).

And don't even get me started on his alertness, happiness and overall personality (considering the drama we went through with his mild milk allergy). But the one aspect I cannot help but laugh at each day when I dress Grayson is his size! Now I know he is a peanut in most people's eyes but not to me (or at least not until I see him next to another baby!) He is a beast (auntie KT's word) in comparison to Triston (and yes I know T ain't no giant nowadays. He is a shorty but FINALLY reached 50% for height n weight at his 3 yr dr aptmt a few wks ago). G is already wearing 3-6 mos clothes. Now doing the math that logically makes sense but not when I look back on Triston at 3 mos of age. There are so many 3-6 mos clothes that he couldn't wear bc by the time they fit him at 5 mos of age the mostly winter-ish designs or fabrics were not going to work in May! To be exact, come May and June (when he was 5 and 6 mos of age) T was wearing 3-6 mos short sleeved/shorts outfits (I remember it fondly bc that was our first trip to California for the Eileen Keller Memorial Golf Outing and I remember what clothes I packed). Grayson is really pushing it in the "3 mos only titled" items with his sleeves meeting at his elbows and/or forearms. Wish I could say the same for his pants! He is still wearing 0-3 mos pants bc he is tiny waisted and short torso unlike T who is long torso and longer legs. Poor Grayson-whenever I put an outfit on that fits well across his broad shoulders and wide chest the whole outfit bunches in the belly bc it truly does not fit anywhere else BUT his upper body. It is quite a chore just to pick out clothes in order to keep him comfy and warm. Aww, our lil'football player!

So, I cannot tell you how anxious I was to get the following photo shoot completed.

There is a photo of Triston in what I call the "earth-toned striped one piece outfit". This is one of my favs of T as a baby. He was almost 3 mos old and the outfit was big on him (well, it fit length wise but not width wise hence the smaller shoulders and chest so it bunched up on him alot) but I wanted something that matched the background (our bedspread). Charito took this photo. Triston's innocent smirk is so mysterious and unforgettable to me!

When we found out G was gonna be a boy I remember thinking way back then how I wanted to re-enact this photo shoot. It turned out well. The outfit is tight on G but doable. It makes me smile to see the two of them in this PAST AND PRESENT sort of light...

TRISTON

(above and below)

AND NOW GRAYSON...

1. Grayson's head looks SO huge!

2. Damn, my kids look good in earth tones!

3. Triston's hairline was much further back while Grayson's is closer to his forehead (which explains once again why I call T my Mr. Magoo)

4. Grayson has more hair!

Just had to share...only time will tell what other similarities and differences they posess. Regardless, I love each one equally and for their own unique "ME-ness"!

Love you oodles and a google, My 2 Fish

Mommy

New Stage

I cannot help but keep referring to this week and the beginning of 2009 as a new stage in my life. I can only guess it is bc of

job + 2 kids= how the hell do I tackle it?!

I don't fear that I won't be able to tackle it. I have alot of confidence in myself as a mother (yes, there are days I want to pull my hair out!). Giving birth really has made me feel like Superwoman.

It is the HOW and HOW SOON it will all fall into place?! I hate change! I have had such a nice thing going the past few months, not only for myself and my happiness but with the boys, too. I am not one to handle disorganization and the unknown very well. I like my routines and schedules, I like the house in a certain order, I prefer my kids to act a certain way (respectful, courteous yet, grow into their own beings as God has intended). I worry, worry, worry. But, believe me, if you have known me for over 5 yrs you KNOW I am not as bad as I used to be (therapy will do that to ya). I am without a doubt more flexible and acceptable of what is often out of my control. I chuck it up to good old fashioned "everything happens for a reason".

So, when I HAD to get up and go to work on Monday morning I tackled it with the deep understanding and acceptance that this is what I HAVE to do for my family. To give them all the things they deserve in life. But, just bc I woke up confident doesn't mean I didn't worry all day. I do get concerned my 60 + yr old mother-in-law will be overwhelmed with 2. I want her to be okay and also be okay enough to tell us when it is too much for her to handle. I want that honesty. I don't ever want to burden anyone in my life.

I also worry that others won't do it MY WAY. I can't help it sometimes.

(I'll just place that one into the 'deep issues file' I still have to remind myself to 'manage')

But my big boy made me proud. So far, after 3 days he has set some of my worry aside without me even realizing it til my drive home today. I did not cry like I thought I would on Monday. I did get a soft heart when Triston asked me right before I walked out, "Mom, I go to work, too? May I go with you?" I told him not today. He then said, "Triston can't go to work. I am too small. Grayson and Bryley too small, too. Only mommy and daddy can go." I then left feeling okay. I think that was bc it was still fresh. I was getting the chance to see old faces and see my students. At least that is what I told myself in the car.

Then on Tuesday T was asleep when I left for work so I called to see if he had woken up by 8am. Charito answered the phone and all he had to mention was "rough morning" as I heard Triston crying in the background. I got on the phone and he said all muffled like, "Mommy, I go to work, too? Please?" I told him I would take him to my school soon so we could visit Linda (my classroom assistant whom he adores). He was ok with that idea and told me he loved me. THAT was hard! Hard to hang up the phone. I even listened to the dialtone for a bit in order to hold back the tears in my classroom and pull myself together.

Charito later told me that as soon as Triston woke up that Tuesday morning he went downstairs to look for me and when he noticed my car gone that is when the tears and whining began. That made me feel both needed and sad for him! I also felt a bit of relief...

I wasn't the only one missing someone!

As for Grayson, he is just figuring out a new schedule. Eating earlier in the morning now bc he hears us getting ready. Poor guy used to sleep til 8 or 9 am and now is getting up at 6/6:30 am screaming to eat! As each day goes by he naps a little better for Lula. But boy do I look forward to his huge grin when I walk in the door! All I have to say is, "Hello, my Sushi!" and his starry eyes light up and that grin explodes into pure and innocent joy!

It's all I need to forget the first part of my day!

(yes, I say first part of my day bc well, it just doesn't end!)

Now I struggle with fitting it all in! I used to have plenty of time for play, reading books, Geotrax, puzzles, G's 'jungle' as T calls it (floor gym mat), tummytime, cuddling up to a Disney movie, etc. But now before I know it it is time to get dinner started and Triston is passing out at the dinner table! This is bc I have avoided giving him a nap bc I just cannot take my chances THIS week with any 10pm-12 am bedtime. If he goes down for a nap he is out for 2-4 hours (believe it is tempting bc I so miss our naps! I want one so desperately by 3 pm). But, is it fair to wake him from a nap? Not really. And there is no guarantee that even with an hour long nap that it wasn't just enough to power him up again and lead up to a late bedtime!

Although T's early sleep is convenient, it does take away from quality time (especially for Charito who is just walking in the door. I feel so bad for daddy!). I find myself at 9pm missing him! I mean, this week T has been in bed before or by 7:30 and G by 8:00! I finally know what other parents evenings are like (T has not always been the best at getting to bed but once he fell asleep he slept well through the nite since about 4 mos. G on the other hand has been a sleep ANGEL from the start!). The same parents that probably rolled their eyes at me behind my back when I told them my toddler/preschooler doesn't go to bed til 9 or later (yeah, you know who you are)! What they don't know is that Charito and I are night owls (okay, not me this week bc I have literally been exhausted and passing out before 10).

It didn't really bother us most of the time. It just took time for us to accept it (and give up on the 2 yr old battles-life was so much easier when we did).

But, yes, it is safe to say that I know I have made the right decision in going back to work (even though it may not have seemed like my doing-Charito is the financial master in this household afterall, and he does a damn fine job at it! I love you moneybags! I trust you!) .

I want T and G to have what is REASONABLY within their grasp and what we can REASONABLY provide them.

And here is where the reflection comes in...

This week was full of plenty of thoughts and discoveries:

• It was only five days that felt like a month.
• I am strong enough to do this.
• My Triston is a mature lil' man that even worries about me! So compassionate!
• I AM doing a good job with them (I worry that somehow my absence will erase what I have taught and embedded in them).
• Some people at work REALLY missed me and NEEDED me back. Kids included.
• Others STILL give me chills up my spine.
• It was easier than I thought to get into the swing of things in class. It was like autopilot! That really shocked me!
• Even though Grayson can't tell me he missed me I KNOW it when he smiles and produces that oh so quiet, adorable laugh.
• Charito believes in me ( I never doubt this) and is proud of me getting through the first week as well as I did. I really needed to hear that from him! Thx, babe!
• My mother-in-law was fine (I just have to remind myself that the day may not go my way but the kids are cared for, fed and LOVED. I think Charito was right when he observed that it is the kids that keep her going).
• and most importantly, I HAVE oodles of people in my life that will be there for me in a split when I do have troubles with the "stage".
• Also, I have more energy (at least until "crash time") than I thought I would. The boys somehow whisk theirs into my body as I enter the threshold of our domain (at least I'd like to think so).

So, as it is now Friday, I can admit that it probably won't be so bad on Monday. I haven't looked forward to a weekend like this in awhile (and we aren't even doing anything special-I am just rewarding myself with a massage and hair aptmt with Amy on Saturday). Otherwise, I just plan on spending time with my 3 guys. I even got the preschool report cards done today and plan to pinch the IEP ones early next week. That is way ahead of my typical procrastination style! I do want to go to Target with Triston. I miss our outings. He has always been the best buddy to shop with. I haven't attempted any outings afterschool this week due to trying to make some sense of a schedule for the boys and the weather.

I will not lie...it has been a challenge, but one I have dealt with so far. That is not to say there will not be horrendous days ahead. I know there will be!

But I will deal with it all ONE DAY AT A TIME (as Linda reminds me of often-she truly is my guardian angel).

That is all I can do for the moment.

Besides, look what I get to come home to!

How can anyone NOT laugh right along with those GRINS?!
Contagious I tell ya!

i love my MY FISH!

New?

I don't even know what to think about the new year. I just feel blah. Of course I have hopes for 2009. I hope for safety, health, good old fashioned family time, smiles and laughter, finances stay afloat-pretty much the usual. I AM without a doubt grateful for all that I do have with family as numero uno. But I just can't get all excited and bubbly about 2009, yet. Someone asked me what my resolution was. I have not had one in years. Do not have one now. I suppose I should eat better (and by that I mean eat more than once a day-it's that typical mom thing of "oh my its 3:00 and I have fed everyone but myself...but wait, I did have some coffee!"). I KNOW I should drink more (not wine, sillies) water. But that is as good as it gets. I want to get excited. I really do. But not yet. It is hard to. I am in a state of anxiety and holiday exhaustion and a lack of any sort of normal routine for the past 2 weeks. With work beginning on Monday I just don't know what to wrap my brain around. Don't know where to start in order to prepare.

• The house is a mess.
• The kids are out of whack. Still have colds.
• I want things to be right for MamaC when she babysitts and that takes preparation on my part. Back to writing out instructions, menus and notes of all kinds bc I am a freak like that. And laying out daily attire for the kids.
• And things not being in their place bc everything has a place in my mind. I make sure of it all day long. It just makes life easier. Makes ME feel better.
• I don't know what to expect to walk into on Monday. What will the classroom be like? I feel like I kinda forgot how to be a teacher. Will I even be good at it? Will there be room for me to squeeze into the routines they have HAD to establish since my absence? Will I have enought time to get to know the kids again before report cards slap me in the face?
• Drowing in a sea of laundry.
• And of course we have something to do every day til "D day". I cannot even catch my breath with the thought of all this crap.

I know as soon as I get through even half the week I can concentrate on setting up a scheduled routine again for all of us. But til then these 6 am wake ups are gonna be an adjustment in itself. The boys have been sleeping til 8 or 9 am for 2 months. I am gonna practice waking up at this time all weekend just to see if my getting ready wakes them up. If so, my morning get ready routine is interrupted by a feeding or potty break or whatever the case. Will this then affect Grayson's eating n sleeping schedule? So much to think about and worry about. Feeling very overwhelmed. And don't even get me started on how much I am gonna miss my boys. So, until it all seems to make some kind of sense I cannot even approach the "newer" hopes and expectations for 2009. I really want to. I know they exist deep down. I feel like I cannot reach them. It is as if they are in the distance, blurry and waiting to be scooped up. But I can't go there just yet. Talk to me a in a week or two. When I have it figured out I will get it all down. Til then I guess I will just work on survival strategies. That is the only solution I can think of at the moment...