To think that a little over a year ago your brothers and I were busy painting and gluing this for you. They chose every detail. And trains are STILL a huge part of our lives!Oh, My Caden...
ONE year ago today this beautiful baby boy entered our lives. Caden you are absolute perfection. I worked my mommy butt off to get you here but it was worth every push! I even turned off my epidural so I could "feel" you enter this world. You beat ur mama up (during and after, including 2.5 hours of post partum contractions and tremors. Hence the reason I didnt get to hold you til you were several hours old!) but I would not have had it any other way.
Who is that handsome boy? That is you, My Little Rice. The Birthday Boy. Caden, I cannot even begin to tell you the kind of year you have had (more so us) but know that EVERYDAY you bring me peace. 
ONE year ago today this beautiful baby boy entered our lives. Caden you are absolute perfection. I worked my mommy butt off to get you here but it was worth every push! I even turned off my epidural so I could "feel" you enter this world. You beat ur mama up (during and after, including 2.5 hours of post partum contractions and tremors. Hence the reason I didnt get to hold you til you were several hours old!) but I would not have had it any other way.
Who is that handsome boy? That is you, My Little Rice. The Birthday Boy. Caden, I cannot even begin to tell you the kind of year you have had (more so us) but know that EVERYDAY you bring me peace. Those pictures above-only about 5 people have seen.They are the best part of your room.And the best hospital pics in comparison to your bros. They were the first that mommy n daddy were a part of and we bought a big package this time. I smile each time I see them. And my heart cries a bit each time, too. That is the absolute truth. I never did send out birth announcements. I was just happy to come home to you and cuddle with you any chance I could.
The first thing I said to you-"You are as handsome as your brothers. " And that hair! You had so much. It was absolutely adorable on you! And YOU looked like ME, the best part in my opinion. Sorry daddy.
Daddy and I were in such a hurry to get you home and introduce you to the two boys whom anticipated your arrival just as much as us that we forgot to doll you up in your Coming-home Outfit. Yes, you came home in some ugly mint green pajama thingy. But it didnt matter. We were a family of 5. Pure bliss. It truly was bliss for 5 whole days. 5 days until your big bro's leukemia diagnosis.
I can still remember every detail of the day we brought you home. Arriving to your bros ', Ayden and Mimi playing in the yard ready to meet you. Moments from those last few days engraved in my mind. The meal we ate at Portillos as (unknowing to us) lab was repeating Grayson's CBC over and over again to Belmonte's disbelief.
Please know Caden, this was the not the year I had planned for you. Not for any of us. But I guess God did. I will have my argument with that being later. A milllion whys have entered our minds since. But NEVER did we question your arrival. You were meant to be a part of this family. From the day I layed eyes on you, you filled a hole in my heart I didnt know I had. You complete us in so many ways. I cannot begin to tell you how much you adore you brothers. They are the ultimate in entertainment for you and vice versa. I imagine the 3 of you being SO close for SO many years to come. This battle MUST hold that in our future. IT MUST.
And honestly, those first few weeks in and out of the hospital with your bro really made me worry about you. About us, you and I. In my absence, would you know who I was? Would you remember me after all those nights you were cared for by Grandma, Grandpa, Mimi, Lula, Lula Mel, and daddy? Would I be a good mother to you at all while feeling pulled in so many directions and my need primarily feeling like it was w Grayson? The first night after hearing that unforgettable sentence I held you and G in my arms. I didnt sleep all night. I just held you both. The hospital let you stay w me (against policy). I felt their compassion. A breast-feeding mom of a newborn just discovering her 22 mos old has cancer. They were more than accomodating. I refused to put G in that prison-like crib and cradled you two on that fold up couch for hours. I apoligize, but tears fell on you and your brother. I knew that come morning not much of anything I had dreamed for our family of 5 would exist. Nothing would ever be the same. What was in store for us? Nothing we had become familiar to as a family of 4 could apply to my now family of 5. I just knew I had 3 to take care of now and that notion would not change.
But, you blew my away, Rice. Each time I came home to you you nuzzled that fuzzy head into my breast (or stuffed it in my armpit, wierdo) and assured me you KNEW who I was. You answered my sad worries with that precious face of yours. The way you looked at me tossed those worries out the window. I WAS your mommy and always will be. And even now as a one year old, you have this way of looking at me. I swear. I literally fill w peace. With a calm that no one else can give me. YOU are my psycotherapy. The room (and my mind) goes quiet and pauses for a split second as you let me know it is ok. You tell me you need me. And I am reminded of how much I need you. You are a very special boy, Caden. You have this power over me that is difficult to explain. Maybe one day we can figure out the hows and whys of that together, huh? Just don't push it buddy. We already joke you are the only Carper getting a brand new car, not a used junk, when old enough. It is the least we can do for the boy that gets all the hand-me-downs and set aside at times.
About that...
you are by no means neglected lil one. You are SO loved. But in as little as 3 weeks you were sleeping through the night and have continued to be this independent lil guy since. You require barely any "training" from my usual "training guide". As Alysa (one of many you have wrapped your heart around) says, "He is so independent".
You are a GREAT sleeper ( and I thought G was sleeper!). A self-soother from the beginning. LIke Belmonte once said, "He kinda has to be, huh?" Easy to place into any routine or schedule. You are so flexible. You just go with the flow. Such an easy-going personality. It is as if you somehow know we have so much on our plates to deal with that and you refuse to be that last cherry that topples it over. So it is not that you are set-aside. You simply ask little from us. I cherish that about you. I believe it says so much aout who you will become. Somehow that soul of yours understands, sees and embraces so much for a one year old. This mature mind and body with so much to share. I cant wait to see what unfolds. And know that leukemia has led me to question to my skills as a mother very often. I am not as confident as I once was. It has shattered that part of me. But as you continue to give me the "signs" of skills you are ready to conquer in these early years , YOU are slowly repairing that part of me. It is all YOU. The first 3 years of child's life are my absolute fav and you make them even more enjoyable and wondrous w your ease and gleeful perspective of life right now. You do not seemed dazed by any of our crap at all. You heal me in so many ways. As long as you continue to guide me thru my insecurities I will promise to be the best I can be.
But for now, I get to revel in your unique personality. You are so affectionate. When you are tired or feeling lovey dovey you place your forehead on my forehead and try to look into my eyes. It's as if we are in sync. Calling out to the universe to hear our thoughts and prayers together. I am convinced you and I will have a bond unlike the bonds I have begun with your bros. Each one of you "call to me" in different ways. Equal love yet unique, individual needs and comforts.
You have different hugs. Each one meaning something. I love that clingy tight one you give me-asking me to be with ONLY YOU for the moment. I get a couple of those a days. Thank you.
You are a humorous boy. If you aren't the source of the comic relief you are definitely involved in it one way or another. Your laughter and smile are beyond contagious.
You are quiet observer. I wish I could read your mind at times. You watch it all occur around and you and in one swift move you put it all together in your first few attempts. Sequentially and with precision. You love to clean. You have my organizational mind. That's a good thing!
I love when you give me the sign for "all done". It was with such purpose. "Woman! Get me outta this chair! I have things to do!"
You want nothing to do w baby toys. You attack your bros toys. You are so eager to be like them. Triston is usually patient enough to show the ropes. Grayson, um, not so much. I am impressed with how well you handle yourself amongst these two crazies. You have defended yourself well against Grayson the Gladiator/Tormentor. You are like Godzilla to his toy world and he is less than happy about this. He whallops you pretty hard and you keep on trucking. Keep it up, baby. That boy needs someone to pop his bubble sometimes. You two are quite the competitors!
You love to walk around w something in your hand. Anything. Usually a toy spatula, wand, etc. any item that is long and thin in nature. I call them your weapons of choice (see above paragraph for efforts of defense)
You have this smirk that would make anyone giggle. It's a cross between Who me? & C'mon ma, just one time! There's some sly in you boy!
You seem to be always in search for a laugh. Doing what it takes to be heard, seen and noticed. Keep at it, I do not mind one bit! You are not a whiner. Just one hell of a happy boy.
You began walking a couple of weeks ago. Shhh, you are the cutest toddler of our 3.
You love teething on green onions of all things. You take that after your mama. Ask your crazy grandma n grandpa about that one!
You can say hi,uh oh, ma ma, da da and I believe you are sneaking in a Tis Tis (for Triston) here and there but I have a hard time catching you in action.
When I want to yell out your full name bc you got into something and pushed my buttons (which is very rare so far) I have to admit-your middle name does not come to my lips. I just have such a hard time recalling. My apologies. So I usually say something like, "Caden...whatever your middle name is ... Cacal" or I call you Caden Kendric which is Grayson's middle name. Oops!
You make this life of ours brighter, Rice. I have to believe that at some point as a whole it will get better. And YOU (along with your amazing brothers) make this all tolerable one way or another. You 3 are OUR HAPPY. I so look forward to what you have to think about all of this when you are older. How it will shape you. How my blog as a record of our past will effect you. Deep down I know you WILL be fine. You WILL continue to blow us away with your talents, humor, spunk and charismatic smiling Fish eyes. You WILL always be my Rice. Happy first birthday big boy!
All our love,
Mommy, Daddy, Triston and Grayson
