Just thinking

Promise me you'll never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave-Kanga & Roo

What would I give to live where you are? What would I pay to stay here beside you? -Ariel

Play it safe. Better to not know which moment may be your last, alive to the mystery of it all-Jack Sparrow

Triston and his Godly advice

Last week...

Triston: C'mon Grayson, let's pray.
Grayson: I don't want to pray!
Triston: We need to pray thank you for tonight.
Grayson: No!
Triston: But it's good for God.
Grayson: No!
Triston: Fine then! Don't respect God for the moment! I will!

The big 3!!!

Bday last year

THREE years old today! WOW! I feel like more than one year has passed us up in this time period. All you have been through in the past year and you are ONLY 3?! Incredible.

You are MORE than amazing, Sushi! You HAVE TO know this! You are the bravest, stongest, most courageous boy I know AND love!

You had a fun-filled birthday weekend! Yup, you received an entire bday weekend. You and everyone else needed and deserved it. It was worth every expensive little penny! You were full of energy, cuddles and spunk the entire time. We anticipated some slow spots but you had joyous times to tackle! You were unstoppable!

You still love trains, Thomas, pirates, candy and chocolate. Your fav play buddy continues to be your big bro Triston. And yet, since T began K you have reached out to Caden in a sweet way. You can be so affectionate. You are my cuddlebug. In the past year you have become VERY attached to me (no complaints here).  Lately you will pause time at any part of the day and tell me I am beautiful. Where did you get that from? Lovely. More than lovely.  It melts me everytime. I often overhear you telling Triston and Caden you love them, again a paused moment in time that you just had to share right then and there. And you get frustrated if they don't say it in return almost immediately. That is so YOU! You still lack patience at times but I admire your feistiness. You have big plans and are eager to see them through. RIGHT then and there sometimes! Your A.T.T.I.T.U.D.E.  is ever present these days.  You insist on doing almost everything in your day on your own. Nonetheless, I love every bit that makes you YOU!

I hope for a positive 3 yr old year for you, Sushi. The time for you to grow ever more into yourself and discover your amazing abilities. I see first-hand day in and day out what you are capable of and I look forward to the day you see it for yourself. You will blow yourself away! It is beyond impressive, baby!

I am eager to observe the relationships with your brothers evolve further. You are such a huge piece of this puzzle we call family. Caden and Triston rely on you just as much as you do them. Just wait and see. What a dynamic threesome you boys make!

You know all 26  letters of the alphabet. all shapes, most numerals 1-10 and most colors ( you keep switching up a few here and there). You love the Ipad, books and games. You like to do "homework" when T is doing his. I must start making up some projects for you! You enjoy watching almost anything T does. If you get the TV to yourself you choose Thomas, Team Umizoomi, Spongebob, SuperWhy, BubbleGuppies, Polar Express, Word World, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Sesame Street (just recently bc of Caden), and you are beginning to become a fellow fan of Giada (thanks T).

As literal of a thinker you are, you also have an abstract side to you. Your wheels are always turning and before I know it you are spitting out the result of a scenario before the possibilities have even occurred. A few steps ahead of me at times. You are definitely an observer. You take everything in. I love listening to you.

Your vocabulary is incredible! And to this day, of all the kids I have cared for in my lifetime, YOU have the cutest most unique voice. I love the fluctuations in your voice. It is all yours! And while we are speaking of your vocal output---that laugh of yours is still contagious! It is like you have perfected it the past year! Pee your pants funny!

I could write so much more about how wonderful you are, G, for so many mommy reasons, fighter reasons, cancer reasons and just plain YOU reasons. An evening does not go by that I am thankful to have you in my life. Your mere presence makes our family beyond special. You are special. You are destined for beautiful things. That heart of yours is full of so much love and life. I love you down the track, through the tunnel and back! Happy 3!

Growing up...still!

I was changing Caden's diaper (can't wait to start potty training!) and glanced over at the art work he was blabbing about. I noticed it was still Grayson's artwork hanging in Caden's room. They were pics of G's first drawings and painting at a little over a yr old. It was time to get Caden's room personalized beyond his birth photos.

We sat down this am and he went to town. He had dabbled a bit during homework times but now it was just he and I with no distractions.

Good job baby boy!

Moving up in the world

This weekend the wee one had a chance to sit at the big boy table. Ya think he enjoyed it?

Kickin it!

We may have found his sport (for now!). He looks great on the field. He looks like such a big boy (and tall) in this pic. Luv him!

Baby Thief

Stole my fudgesicle.....

Yeah, like I want it back now!

We luv us some PIRATES!

Sept 19th
Talk Like a Pirate Day

Arrrrr Mateys! Here is our Pirate day afterschool activity! It was easy and cute. T entertained himself and G added his own scribbles to my artwork for him. We used pillow cases so that it didn't just become some flat art piece that ended up in a corner. I wanted it to have some use (without having the energy to put together a treasure hunt in the backyard!). Instead of fabric markers (bc I didn't really think this out or have energy -once again) I used permanent markers. I noticed the permanent markers on T's prek grad shirt that I made him have held the stormy seas (washing machine) so that solved that. We took care of homework, early dinnner and got to drawing. T wanted to use his Neverland magnet from the Peter Pan show as a guide. After a bit I encouraged him to use his OWN imagination and he did. It was a nice change of pace from the usual afterschool madness. And now they can keep them forever. Happy Pirate Day.

My beach bum and me

T and I at Lake Geneva beach in July with my family! luv our pink toes. It was even his idea to take the pic! so sweet

My little firecracker!

Found these from 4th of July!

Someone hit the pause button!

Busted him climbing on the chair!

Gotta love him!

My 3 Pirates

Aargh Mateys!!!

And so it begins...

the grade school years!

I asked daddy to take a pic in the same spot as last year!

My big boy began kndergarten today! He was so excited to get out the door on Tuesday for his orientation and even more so this morning. He is liking his teacher and loving his school. What more can I ask for?

I wasn't able to drop him off today, I work way too early in the morning for that. But through the day I recieved these pics and it melted my heart.

Here he is with his buddy E and to top it off they walked in together holding hands!

I bought him a new lunchbag at Costco over the summer and I realized last night it has a few little zipper sections. This works out perfect for one section to be his lunch and the other afternoon snack. (I decided to wait until September to purchase some hot lunches, nothing like pushing myself to the edge of mommy duties.) Then there are tiny ones for a washcloth (the school is REALLY green and pushes for cloth napkins and resuable containers-and what a mind shift for us. I actually feel really good about it and T supervises me on my assembly of his lunch to make sure it is "green") and what I call my love note section. I wrote him a sweet note today and tomorrow is daddy's turn.

I am really excited to see what my sponge boy soaks up this year! He even had homework on his first day! Love you, Eggroll!

ONE!

To think that a little over a year ago your brothers and I were busy painting and gluing this for you. They chose every detail. And trains are STILL a huge part of our lives!

Oh, My Caden...

ONE year ago today this beautiful baby boy entered our lives. Caden you are absolute perfection. I worked my mommy butt off to get you here but it was worth every push! I even turned off my epidural so I could "feel" you enter this world. You beat ur mama up (during and after, including 2.5 hours of post partum contractions and tremors. Hence the reason I didnt get to hold you til you were several hours old!) but I would not have had it any other way.

Who is that handsome boy? That is you, My Little Rice. The Birthday Boy. Caden, I cannot even begin to tell you the kind of year you have had (more so us) but know that EVERYDAY you bring me peace.

Those pictures above-only about 5 people have seen.They are the best part of your room.And the best hospital pics in comparison to your bros. They were the first that mommy n daddy were a part of and we bought a big package this time. I smile each time I see them. And my heart cries a bit each time, too. That is the absolute truth. I never did send out birth announcements. I was just happy to come home to you and cuddle with you any chance I could.

The first thing I said to you-"You are as handsome as your brothers. " And that hair! You had so much. It was absolutely adorable on you! And YOU looked like ME, the best part in my opinion. Sorry daddy.

Daddy and I were in such a hurry to get you home and introduce you to the two boys whom anticipated your arrival just as much as us that we forgot to doll you up in your Coming-home Outfit. Yes, you came home in some ugly mint green pajama thingy. But it didnt matter. We were a family of 5. Pure bliss. It truly was bliss for 5 whole days. 5 days until your big bro's leukemia diagnosis.

I can still remember every detail of the day we brought you home. Arriving to your bros ', Ayden and Mimi playing in the yard ready to meet you. Moments from those last few days engraved in my mind. The meal we ate at Portillos as (unknowing to us) lab was repeating Grayson's CBC over and over again to Belmonte's disbelief.

Please know Caden, this was the not the year I had planned for you. Not for any of us. But I guess God did. I will have my argument with that being later. A milllion whys have entered our minds since. But NEVER did we question your arrival. You were meant to be a part of this family. From the day I layed eyes on you, you filled a hole in my heart I didnt know I had. You complete us in so many ways. I cannot begin to tell you how much you adore you brothers. They are the ultimate in entertainment for you and vice versa. I imagine the 3 of you being SO close for SO many years to come. This battle MUST hold that in our future. IT MUST.

And honestly, those first few weeks in and out of the hospital with your bro really made me worry about you. About us, you and I. In my absence, would you know who I was? Would you remember me after all those nights you were cared for by Grandma, Grandpa, Mimi, Lula, Lula Mel, and daddy? Would I be a good mother to you at all while feeling pulled in so many directions and my need primarily feeling like it was w Grayson? The first night after hearing that unforgettable sentence I held you and G in my arms. I didnt sleep all night. I just held you both. The hospital let you stay w me (against policy). I felt their compassion. A breast-feeding mom of a newborn just discovering her 22 mos old has cancer. They were more than accomodating. I refused to put G in that prison-like crib and cradled you two on that fold up couch for hours. I apoligize, but tears fell on you and your brother. I knew that come morning not much of anything I had dreamed for our family of 5 would exist. Nothing would ever be the same. What was in store for us? Nothing we had become familiar to as a family of 4 could apply to my now family of 5. I just knew I had 3 to take care of now and that notion would not change.

But, you blew my away, Rice. Each time I came home to you you nuzzled that fuzzy head into my breast (or stuffed it in my armpit, wierdo) and assured me you KNEW who I was. You answered my sad worries with that precious face of yours. The way you looked at me tossed those worries out the window. I WAS your mommy and always will be. And even now as a one year old, you have this way of looking at me. I swear. I literally fill w peace. With a calm that no one else can give me. YOU are my psycotherapy. The room (and my mind) goes quiet and pauses for a split second as you let me know it is ok. You tell me you need me. And I am reminded of how much I need you. You are a very special boy, Caden. You have this power over me that is difficult to explain. Maybe one day we can figure out the hows and whys of that together, huh? Just don't push it buddy. We already joke you are the only Carper getting a brand new car, not a used junk, when old enough. It is the least we can do for the boy that gets all the hand-me-downs and set aside at times.

About that...

you are by no means neglected lil one. You are SO loved. But in as little as 3 weeks you were sleeping through the night and have continued to be this independent lil guy since. You require barely any "training" from my usual "training guide". As Alysa (one of many you have wrapped your heart around) says, "He is so independent".

You are a GREAT sleeper ( and I thought G was sleeper!). A self-soother from the beginning. LIke Belmonte once said, "He kinda has to be, huh?" Easy to place into any routine or schedule. You are so flexible. You just go with the flow. Such an easy-going personality. It is as if you somehow know we have so much on our plates to deal with that and you refuse to be that last cherry that topples it over. So it is not that you are set-aside. You simply ask little from us. I cherish that about you. I believe it says so much aout who you will become. Somehow that soul of yours understands, sees and embraces so much for a one year old. This mature mind and body with so much to share. I cant wait to see what unfolds. And know that leukemia has led me to question to my skills as a mother very often. I am not as confident as I once was. It has shattered that part of me. But as you continue to give me the "signs" of skills you are ready to conquer in these early years , YOU are slowly repairing that part of me. It is all YOU. The first 3 years of child's life are my absolute fav and you make them even more enjoyable and wondrous w your ease and gleeful perspective of life right now. You do not seemed dazed by any of our crap at all. You heal me in so many ways. As long as you continue to guide me thru my insecurities I will promise to be the best I can be.

But for now, I get to revel in your unique personality. You are so affectionate. When you are tired or feeling lovey dovey you place your forehead on my forehead and try to look into my eyes. It's as if we are in sync. Calling out to the universe to hear our thoughts and prayers together. I am convinced you and I will have a bond unlike the bonds I have begun with your bros. Each one of you "call to me" in different ways. Equal love yet unique, individual needs and comforts.

You have different hugs. Each one meaning something. I love that clingy tight one you give me-asking me to be with ONLY YOU for the moment. I get a couple of those a days. Thank you.

You are a humorous boy. If you aren't the source of the comic relief you are definitely involved in it one way or another. Your laughter and smile are beyond contagious.

You are quiet observer. I wish I could read your mind at times. You watch it all occur around and you and in one swift move you put it all together in your first few attempts. Sequentially and with precision. You love to clean. You have my organizational mind. That's a good thing!

I love when you give me the sign for "all done". It was with such purpose. "Woman! Get me outta this chair! I have things to do!"

You want nothing to do w baby toys. You attack your bros toys. You are so eager to be like them. Triston is usually patient enough to show the ropes. Grayson, um, not so much. I am impressed with how well you handle yourself amongst these two crazies. You have defended yourself well against Grayson the Gladiator/Tormentor. You are like Godzilla to his toy world and he is less than happy about this. He whallops you pretty hard and you keep on trucking. Keep it up, baby. That boy needs someone to pop his bubble sometimes. You two are quite the competitors!

You love to walk around w something in your hand. Anything. Usually a toy spatula, wand, etc. any item that is long and thin in nature. I call them your weapons of choice (see above paragraph for efforts of defense)

You have this smirk that would make anyone giggle. It's a cross between Who me? & C'mon ma, just one time! There's some sly in you boy!

You seem to be always in search for a laugh. Doing what it takes to be heard, seen and noticed. Keep at it, I do not mind one bit! You are not a whiner. Just one hell of a happy boy.

You began walking a couple of weeks ago. Shhh, you are the cutest toddler of our 3.

You love teething on green onions of all things. You take that after your mama. Ask your crazy grandma n grandpa about that one!

You can say hi,uh oh, ma ma, da da and I believe you are sneaking in a Tis Tis (for Triston) here and there but I have a hard time catching you in action.

When I want to yell out your full name bc you got into something and pushed my buttons (which is very rare so far) I have to admit-your middle name does not come to my lips. I just have such a hard time recalling. My apologies. So I usually say something like, "Caden...whatever your middle name is ... Cacal" or I call you Caden Kendric which is Grayson's middle name. Oops!

You make this life of ours brighter, Rice. I have to believe that at some point as a whole it will get better. And YOU (along with your amazing brothers) make this all tolerable one way or another. You 3 are OUR HAPPY. I so look forward to what you have to think about all of this when you are older. How it will shape you. How my blog as a record of our past will effect you. Deep down I know you WILL be fine. You WILL continue to blow us away with your talents, humor, spunk and charismatic smiling Fish eyes. You WILL always be my Rice. Happy first birthday big boy!

All our love,

Mommy, Daddy, Triston and Grayson